I HAVE NEVER....

.... been more terrified in my life. Or at least I think that's what I'm feeling.

Living at home is driving me nuts.
  My boyfriend is going to China for a year from the 3rd of September and I am terrified about how the next year will go for him - and me.
 I try and think of how I could finally do stuff I want to while he's gone and have more room to express myself, but... then the fear comes back.

Complete. Utter. Fear.
 Of what, I don't completely know or understand. But there is fear of a lot of things.

Not to mention how I have been on JSA for three months and am afraid of being put on Workfare; plus I have yet to find a job and I seem to have lost motivation to find one now.
I am terrified I am not doing enough, not making a real effort.

I am terrified that all animal species only live for one and a half million heartbeats and I'm so afraid of making my heart beat too quickly so I die sooner.

I am terrified of how much torture one has to put oneself through in order to lose weight (financial and physical)
 I doubt I'll ever get back the frame I had when I first started university in the forseeable future unless I completely change my lifestyle and my weight yoyos a lot.
Since I came back from Japan in August 2010, I have managed to lose a total of 2 and a half stone (1 on one occasion and the 1.5 on another), only to put most - if not all - of the weight back on.
 The regimes I've followed often encourage diet food that is actually harmful for one's health thanks to being high in sugar or salt and with few actual nutrients.

I am terrified of being one of those boring vanilla women who is ladylike and refuses dessert with a giggle from a hand shyly placed to her mouth. I don't want to have to only eat "treats" less than once a month and I try and find alternatives that seem better for me as much as I can, but ... I enjoy food too much. Or I like to think I do.
 I either forget to eat (or maybe subconsciously choose not to do so) or binge. I don't even purge afterwards because I know laxatives can wreck your bowels and vomit wrecks your teeth (Mine are already ugly and - so I think - weak).
 I know that almost all of my excess weight is thanks to gooey, oozy, swimming visceral fat, which is nigh-on impossible to get rid of.

......

and all of the above is just stuff I'm terrified about from a selfish perspective, and which I could dig deeper into if I had the guts to.

Then there's ATOS. There's sexism. There are the chavs and evangelists and conservatives and homophobes and anything-else phobes.
There's never being able to clean up after myself properly (Oh crap I'm going back to selfish mode again).
 There are issues with friends, present and past.

I have no idea where to go, or who to turn to.
 As far as my ex is concerned, I'm OK. That vitriolic note on Facebook was nothing more than me expressing frustration at humanity.

I CAN'T tell my friends or family.
Mum doesn't care because she's too busy and determined to be wallowing in her own depression and sitting at the computer, friends who may understand I'm no longer really friends with, friends who I get on well enough with wouldn't really understand (or necessarily be interested).
 The three people I can think of right now who I both get on well enough with and might understand are barely every around, and some of my terror is directly about something happening to one of them.

Honestly, I'm making Yahtzee Croshaw seem positively twee right now.

*shakes head*

Welp, it's taken me this long to get the courage to shout my trouble out into the ether.

Will anyone hear? I don't know.
 Do I care? Yes. NO. Well.... I would *like* one person to read this. if they have something constructive to say.
  Otherwise... I don't know. I truly do not know.