.... been more terrified in my life. Or at least I think that's what I'm feeling.
Living at home is driving me nuts.
My boyfriend is going to China for a year from the 3rd of September and I am terrified about how the next year will go for him - and me.
I try and think of how I could finally do stuff I want to while he's gone and have more room to express myself, but... then the fear comes back.
Complete. Utter. Fear.
Of what, I don't completely know or understand. But there is fear of a lot of things.
Not to mention how I have been on JSA for three months and am afraid of being put on Workfare; plus I have yet to find a job and I seem to have lost motivation to find one now.
I am terrified I am not doing enough, not making a real effort.
I am terrified that all animal species only live for one and a half million heartbeats and I'm so afraid of making my heart beat too quickly so I die sooner.
I am terrified of how much torture one has to put oneself through in order to lose weight (financial and physical)
I doubt I'll ever get back the frame I had when I first started university in the forseeable future unless I completely change my lifestyle and my weight yoyos a lot.
Since I came back from Japan in August 2010, I have managed to lose a total of 2 and a half stone (1 on one occasion and the 1.5 on another), only to put most - if not all - of the weight back on.
The regimes I've followed often encourage diet food that is actually harmful for one's health thanks to being high in sugar or salt and with few actual nutrients.
I am terrified of being one of those boring vanilla women who is ladylike and refuses dessert with a giggle from a hand shyly placed to her mouth. I don't want to have to only eat "treats" less than once a month and I try and find alternatives that seem better for me as much as I can, but ... I enjoy food too much. Or I like to think I do.
I either forget to eat (or maybe subconsciously choose not to do so) or binge. I don't even purge afterwards because I know laxatives can wreck your bowels and vomit wrecks your teeth (Mine are already ugly and - so I think - weak).
I know that almost all of my excess weight is thanks to gooey, oozy, swimming visceral fat, which is nigh-on impossible to get rid of.
......
and all of the above is just stuff I'm terrified about from a selfish perspective, and which I could dig deeper into if I had the guts to.
Then there's ATOS. There's sexism. There are the chavs and evangelists and conservatives and homophobes and anything-else phobes.
There's never being able to clean up after myself properly (Oh crap I'm going back to selfish mode again).
There are issues with friends, present and past.
I have no idea where to go, or who to turn to.
As far as my ex is concerned, I'm OK. That vitriolic note on Facebook was nothing more than me expressing frustration at humanity.
I CAN'T tell my friends or family.
Mum doesn't care because she's too busy and determined to be wallowing in her own depression and sitting at the computer, friends who may understand I'm no longer really friends with, friends who I get on well enough with wouldn't really understand (or necessarily be interested).
The three people I can think of right now who I both get on well enough with and might understand are barely every around, and some of my terror is directly about something happening to one of them.
Honestly, I'm making Yahtzee Croshaw seem positively twee right now.
*shakes head*
Welp, it's taken me this long to get the courage to shout my trouble out into the ether.
Will anyone hear? I don't know.
Do I care? Yes. NO. Well.... I would *like* one person to read this. if they have something constructive to say.
Otherwise... I don't know. I truly do not know.
Tuesday 28 August 2012
Wednesday 14 July 2010
Hitoyoshi Trip: Sunday
Sunday morning.... much time was spent [in my case, at least!!] recovering from the night before, eating and drinking half a barracks' worth of vittles to try and stave my hangover and cleaning up.
We got a taxi about 10:40 to Sengetsu Shouchuu Museum. One warning... HOLD YOUR NOSE WHEN YOU ENTER! The place stinks! However, it was quite interesting seeing how shouchuu was made. Ironically, having some tasters helped quite a lot.
After that was the samurai house and the remains of Hitoyoshi Castle, which I found really interesting. I actually want a samurai house like one we were shown!
At 12:30, those who didn't raft either got lunch form a restaurant whose name I've now forgotten o went to a combini.
I tried some kind of basashi and had cold soba noodles, which were much nicer than they actually sound.
After a small kerfuffle getting all our tickets and luggage sorted out, we got the SL steam train from Hitoyoshi to Kumamoto. I slept, ate shouchuu ice cream and gazed all around at various intervals.
The only really bad things I can think of is that we didn't get more than one chance to get to go to onsen and that on Saturday night, we didn't realise we weren't supposed to drink the wine :/... Anyway, really glad to have donn this and sorry for not beingn there last week
We got a taxi about 10:40 to Sengetsu Shouchuu Museum. One warning... HOLD YOUR NOSE WHEN YOU ENTER! The place stinks! However, it was quite interesting seeing how shouchuu was made. Ironically, having some tasters helped quite a lot.
After that was the samurai house and the remains of Hitoyoshi Castle, which I found really interesting. I actually want a samurai house like one we were shown!
At 12:30, those who didn't raft either got lunch form a restaurant whose name I've now forgotten o went to a combini.
I tried some kind of basashi and had cold soba noodles, which were much nicer than they actually sound.
After a small kerfuffle getting all our tickets and luggage sorted out, we got the SL steam train from Hitoyoshi to Kumamoto. I slept, ate shouchuu ice cream and gazed all around at various intervals.
The only really bad things I can think of is that we didn't get more than one chance to get to go to onsen and that on Saturday night, we didn't realise we weren't supposed to drink the wine :/... Anyway, really glad to have donn this and sorry for not beingn there last week
Tuesday 6 July 2010
Hitoyoshi Trip: Saturday
As part of this class, we went on a trip to a place called Hitoyoshi, stopping at Arase and Kawabegawa along the way.
Firstly, Arase Dam (see below).
Our guide, Mr. Nakashima, runs a group lobbying against the dam that may or may not - although most likely never will be - built in Kawabegawa. He told us about how sweetfish were dying out in Arase because - thanks to the dams - the water can't flow properly so the sweetfish get lost and die because they have no idea where to go.
However, good news! A 'fish ladder' (WOT) had been built so fishermen could still practise their livelihood....but for some odd reason there was no water in there at all as far as I could see.
After that - and a long ride up a high mountain road *turns green*, we stopped off somewhere to have a look at a little island and hear some more from Nakashima. Apparently, people used to live on it, but in reent times it's more often than not submerged due to the increase in silt in the river.
This done and lunch bought, we made our way along more high mountain roads (X&) to Kawabegawa. We went there as there's been a lot of controversy in Japan about whether to build a new dam or not for the past 40-odd years, and it's not over yet.
I'll attach a document Nakashima-san gave to us in another post explaining more about it.
In Kawabegawa, villagers have been made to move from low down in a valley to somewhere higher up due to the Japanese government's plans. Most of the buildings left down below are to do with industrial building, I think.
This done, we made our way to Hitoyoshi Craft Park, where I had a go at making a keyholder. Didn't turn out brilliant as it was my first time doing something like that, but I'm pleased with the results. Some other people made rings or knives.
_:_:_
Everyone tried to make their way to the Akikake Gymnasium (where we'd be sleeping that night), but got a bit lost on the way.
However, we made it there in the end and the rest of the evening was spent relaxing; volleyball [which I was dire at, but no matter], TV and karaoke were just some of the choices of activities on offer.
All good fun.
Except I got WRECKED and had a huge crying fit [for reasons I'm not going to go into]. Still, people here are genuinely nice so that's cool.
Firstly, Arase Dam (see below).
Our guide, Mr. Nakashima, runs a group lobbying against the dam that may or may not - although most likely never will be - built in Kawabegawa. He told us about how sweetfish were dying out in Arase because - thanks to the dams - the water can't flow properly so the sweetfish get lost and die because they have no idea where to go.
However, good news! A 'fish ladder' (WOT) had been built so fishermen could still practise their livelihood....but for some odd reason there was no water in there at all as far as I could see.
After that - and a long ride up a high mountain road *turns green*, we stopped off somewhere to have a look at a little island and hear some more from Nakashima. Apparently, people used to live on it, but in reent times it's more often than not submerged due to the increase in silt in the river.
This done and lunch bought, we made our way along more high mountain roads (X&) to Kawabegawa. We went there as there's been a lot of controversy in Japan about whether to build a new dam or not for the past 40-odd years, and it's not over yet.
I'll attach a document Nakashima-san gave to us in another post explaining more about it.
In Kawabegawa, villagers have been made to move from low down in a valley to somewhere higher up due to the Japanese government's plans. Most of the buildings left down below are to do with industrial building, I think.
This done, we made our way to Hitoyoshi Craft Park, where I had a go at making a keyholder. Didn't turn out brilliant as it was my first time doing something like that, but I'm pleased with the results. Some other people made rings or knives.
_:_:_
Everyone tried to make their way to the Akikake Gymnasium (where we'd be sleeping that night), but got a bit lost on the way.
However, we made it there in the end and the rest of the evening was spent relaxing; volleyball [which I was dire at, but no matter], TV and karaoke were just some of the choices of activities on offer.
All good fun.
Except I got WRECKED and had a huge crying fit [for reasons I'm not going to go into]. Still, people here are genuinely nice so that's cool.
Wednesday 23 June 2010
Hitoyoshi
Just thought I should say that I'm rather looking forward to Hitoyoshi. You probably already know I'm not doing the rafting [due to extra cost, even with it being good value on the time front], but I'm looking forward to seeing the town and - hopefully! - making something.
One thing, however.... if I make a knife, would Customs allow me to bring it home?!
One thing, however.... if I make a knife, would Customs allow me to bring it home?!
Wednesday 16 June 2010
Whale Wars Addendum
As much as I enjoyed that episode, I thought that it didn't go into as much detail about the whaling situation in Japan as I think it could have done [no mention of embezzlement or bribes].
However, I did like the fact that Japanese whaling and environmental activists are both criticised.
Also, I'm not entirely sure how Hiroshima and whaling would be connected in real ife, or even if they ARE actually connected.
_:_:_
Just reading an article on Japan Today (here: http://japantoday.com/category/entertainment/view/cove-star-calls-on-hollywood-to-save-dolphins) and I'd actually like to see The Cove. Wonder if there's any way to do so [I assume it's not out on DVD or anything yet?]
However, I did like the fact that Japanese whaling and environmental activists are both criticised.
Also, I'm not entirely sure how Hiroshima and whaling would be connected in real ife, or even if they ARE actually connected.
_:_:_
Just reading an article on Japan Today (here: http://japantoday.com/category/entertainment/view/cove-star-calls-on-hollywood-to-save-dolphins) and I'd actually like to see The Cove. Wonder if there's any way to do so [I assume it's not out on DVD or anything yet?]
Whale Wars
NOW I think I know why it's so bad to kill whales... or at least, part of the story why!
I know this article's only from Yahoo! News, but nonetheless it's pretty cool to know that something as base as whale poo can help our planet: http://uk.news.yahoo.com/18/20100616/tsc-whale-poop-fights-climate-change-stu-c2ff8aa.html
The title for this post comes about from the name of a reality TV show in an episode of South Park.
_:_:_
The story: One of the kids (Stan) is at a whale and dolphin park for his birthday treat and a whole pile of Japanese randomly kill all the dolphins and whales there. Stan is so upset about how the day went that he goes to his three best friends (Kyle, Kenny and Cartman) to tell them of the problem, only to find that they're playing a videogame where you are part of a band, complete with insturments for controllers.
This video shows how apathetic/uncomfortable the kids are in response to the issue [WARNING: Some bad language, but it's only 1:30 long. Sorry about the bad quality, but I didn't upload this myself]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_5whxrvlb4Q
After that, Stan tries to get his friend Butters to help him with the cause. Butters says no but tells him about Whale Wars, an [apparently real!!] US reality TV show about an environmental activist group who try to prevent illegal whaling. Stan joins them, is unimpressed with their 'stinky butter' 'weapons', lights a flare gun and sinks the ship.
As Whale Wars becomes more popular, Kenny and Cartman join Stan just to be on TV.
A battle between the Whale Wars team and the team for another reality show - Deadliest Catch - ensues, with the three children being cptured and taken to Japan where they learn from Emperor Akihito that whaling is done in retaliation for the Hiroshima bombs and shows Kenny, Stan and Cartman a doctored photo of a fighter plane with a whale and a dolphin on board. Stan declares that as a fake and shows then Prime Minister Hatoyama the 'real' photo.... with a cow and a chicken on the plane instead.
In the end, the Japanese go on a rampage killing lots of cows and chickens and Stan's dad congratulates him for making the Japanese "normal, like us."
I know this article's only from Yahoo! News, but nonetheless it's pretty cool to know that something as base as whale poo can help our planet: http://uk.news.yahoo.com/18/20100616/tsc-whale-poop-fights-climate-change-stu-c2ff8aa.html
The title for this post comes about from the name of a reality TV show in an episode of South Park.
_:_:_
The story: One of the kids (Stan) is at a whale and dolphin park for his birthday treat and a whole pile of Japanese randomly kill all the dolphins and whales there. Stan is so upset about how the day went that he goes to his three best friends (Kyle, Kenny and Cartman) to tell them of the problem, only to find that they're playing a videogame where you are part of a band, complete with insturments for controllers.
This video shows how apathetic/uncomfortable the kids are in response to the issue [WARNING: Some bad language, but it's only 1:30 long. Sorry about the bad quality, but I didn't upload this myself]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_5whxrvlb4Q
After that, Stan tries to get his friend Butters to help him with the cause. Butters says no but tells him about Whale Wars, an [apparently real!!] US reality TV show about an environmental activist group who try to prevent illegal whaling. Stan joins them, is unimpressed with their 'stinky butter' 'weapons', lights a flare gun and sinks the ship.
As Whale Wars becomes more popular, Kenny and Cartman join Stan just to be on TV.
A battle between the Whale Wars team and the team for another reality show - Deadliest Catch - ensues, with the three children being cptured and taken to Japan where they learn from Emperor Akihito that whaling is done in retaliation for the Hiroshima bombs and shows Kenny, Stan and Cartman a doctored photo of a fighter plane with a whale and a dolphin on board. Stan declares that as a fake and shows then Prime Minister Hatoyama the 'real' photo.... with a cow and a chicken on the plane instead.
In the end, the Japanese go on a rampage killing lots of cows and chickens and Stan's dad congratulates him for making the Japanese "normal, like us."
Sunday 13 June 2010
Mental Health
I have a friend who may be bipolar or have clinical depression and I've noticed that in the university publications that us 留学生 had delivered to our home addresses before we came to Japan, there is no mention anywhere of counselling, and I have absolutely no idea how they'd be able to get get help if they were to come to Japan.
Just from what I've generally observed through watching the news; reading newspapers et al is that mental health is generally kept quiet about, which makes me think that it's more than likely a taboo subject out there.
I think it would be a very interesting topic to cover - if indeed a complex one - although the fact that there could be some painful issues brought up makes me think that it might be best to leave it out for now.
Something slightly more relevant coming up soon....
Just from what I've generally observed through watching the news; reading newspapers et al is that mental health is generally kept quiet about, which makes me think that it's more than likely a taboo subject out there.
I think it would be a very interesting topic to cover - if indeed a complex one - although the fact that there could be some painful issues brought up makes me think that it might be best to leave it out for now.
Something slightly more relevant coming up soon....
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